7: The Battle by Celita
As a follow up to this week's episode here are the show notes and the words to my poem "The Battle". This is the third poem in my Recovery series.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday
Find a Celebrate Recovery Group HERE
The Battle
Let me tell you about my personal equinox
There is a day and night
A dark and a light
That live simultaneously in my life
It’s hard to believe, that me
The one serving actively in ministry
Could be
The same she that trips constantly
Not having the discipline necessary
To keep my body away from the sin that kills me
My dichotomy
On the one hand you can’t stand but praise me
I’m consistent in my duties
Performing them faithfully
When you need me I’m there
I never miss a beat
But behind the scenes
I’m dealing, trying to find healing
For my blackness inwardly
I’m crying
And praying constantly
Looking for the cure
But it seems that the more I cry
The more I find
That the thing I should be running from
Is the thing I’m running towards
My soul is torn
Between serving God or myself
Do I do what pleases Him
Or what pleases someone else?
Is there no help?!?!?
It’s been a lifelong battle
And I’m not sure when it’s going to end
I’m good for a little while
But I hear a song
See the wrong film
Get hurt by a friend
And it all starts again
I’m afraid of my own skin
Feeling like it leads me to sin
Father I’m drowning
It’s knee deep and rising
I’m seeped in!
Could this be?
No Monie
She seemed so plugged in and lovely
But don’t be deceived by appearances
We’re all dealing with something
Mine is just…real ugly
I feel like that brother Paul
I know the law
But I just can’t keep it
The moment I pick it up
I break it
I can fake it before you
But I can’t fake it before God
My body wants to do right
It’s just so very hard
I decide to live one way
But then I act another doing things I despise
I try to live holy
But what is unclean
At certain points, seems more appealing to my eyes
I can’t be trusted to figure out
What’s best for myself
I can will it, but I can’t do it
I need God’s hand
I need His help
To guide me and get me through it
Left up to my own thoughts and mind
It’s finished!
I blew it!
Man is dirty, unclean
That’s why He sent His son, He knew it
I decided not to do bad
But then I do it anyway
My decisions, don’t result in actions
That act out what I think
Something has gone deeply wrong within me
And my sin tab is running
It’s so predictable and happens so regularly
Like watching the stay puft marshmallow man walking down the street
You can see it coming
I truly
Delight in God’s commands
But obviously
Not all of me delights in them equally
More specifically
My minds seems to delight regularly
But my body
Only wants to delight
When I’m in front of someone else’s watchful eye
On Wednesday’s between seven and nine
Bible study
And on Sunday’s between eight and three
GOD SAVE ME
I’m crying out desperately
What’s going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
Astrologists use the term equinox
To describe the sun setting
Over the equator so that day and night are of the same length
But my SOUL cries out
As my soul equinox
Means that there is a war within me
Between freedom of choice and submitting to you
HELP I’m losing and I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to do
